My talk from Hayden's Memorial Service

This is basically what I said barring minor differences between the written and spoken.

Hayden was born 16 December at 1:31 pm. He weighed 6 pounds and was 17 inches long. He survived for 5 ¼ hours. We found out about his condition at the 20 week ultrasound. His kidneys had cysted over some time during development. Without the kidneys, there was no amniotic fluid. Without the amniotic fluid, his lungs could not develop the way they were supposed to. 

We prayed for help and we received it. We prayed for miracles and got them. Maybe not the ones we wanted but the ones we needed. 

Overall, we have felt largely at peace and able to deal with things. That has been the primary blessing or even miracle. We have had our ups and downs during the last few months trying to come to terms with everything. We will still have ups and downs for a while to come. It hasn’t been easy and won’t be easy. One verse that has come to my mind has been Matthew 11:28. “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” That has certainly happened to me.

A second blessing or miracle was the fact that for a baby with no lung development, he cried out when he was born.  He followed that up with a third miracle - starting to breathe on his own once he was put on oxygen. He was able to breathe for most of his time with us. He worked hard at it. Ultimately, he couldn’t sustain it but he tried as hard as he could for as long as he could.

We were blessed in the number of family members who were able to meet Hayden while he was alive. We have been blessed by the help we have received from our family, our friends here and elsewhere, by the people of Angel Watch and our doctors and nurses. For those who have brought food; listened to us when we needed to talk; those who babysat;  those who have asked about Hayden; those who have helped in any way,  “Thank you.”

We have been blessed by the words of living prophets, starting with Joseph Smith, who declared that “… What have we to console us in relation to the dead? We have reason to have the greatest hope and consolation for our dead of any people on the earth; for we have seen them walk worthily in our midst, and seen them sink asleep in the arms of Jesus. … “

He also says of little children who died “A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”⁶

Elder Carl B. Cook’s General Conference message this last October provided me with much needed perspective and some words from our current Prophet, Thomas S. Monson. He relates an incident from his first week as a General Authority, the discouragement he was feeling while traveling down in an elevator and the words that Pres. Monson shared in that elevator. Elder Cook relates:

… he had seen my subdued countenance and my heavy briefcase. He smiled and lovingly suggested, while pointing heavenward, “It is better to look up!” As we traveled down one more level, he cheerfully explained that he was on his way to the temple. When he bid me farewell, his parting glance spoke again to my heart, “Now, remember, it is better to look up.”

As we parted, the words of a scripture came to mind: “Believe in God; believe that he is … ; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth.”¹ As I thought of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s power, my heart found the comfort I had sought in vain from the floor of that descending elevator.

Since then I have pondered this experience and the role of prophets. I was burdened and my head was down. As the prophet spoke, I looked to him. He redirected my focus to look up to God, where I could be healed and strengthened through Christ’s Atonement. That is what prophets do for us. They lead us to God.²

Through Jesus Christ and his Atonement, we can return to live with God again. Hayden is already back there. The Atonement has done its work for him. But through the Atonement, we can be healed and strengthened here. 

Elder Quentin L. Cook, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve and another sustained as a modern day prophet, outlined in more detail how the Atonement helps those of us left behind. In a talk during the Sunday Afternoon Session of this last Conference, he said: 

While we do not know all the answers, we do know important principles that allow us to face tragedies with faith and confidence that there is a bright future planned for each of us. Some of the most important principles are:

First, we have a Father in Heaven, who knows and loves us personally and understands our suffering perfectly.

Second, His Son, Jesus Christ, is our Savior and Redeemer, whose Atonement not only provides for salvation and exaltation but also will compensate for all the unfairness of life.

Third, the Father’s plan of happiness for His children includes not only a pre-mortal and mortal life but also an eternal life as well, including a great and glorious reunion with those we have lost. All wrongs will be righted, and we will see with perfect clarity and faultless perspective and understanding.

It does seem unfair in many ways what happened to Hayden. To us. But it isn’t wrong. Whatever the reason, and we may not learn it in this life, we can have peace and happiness here and we can live our lives in such a way that we’ll be with him again. Forever.

I pray we will all live so that we may have the peace the Atonement brings, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Hayden's Memorial Service

We buried Hayden in Moccasin. It was 60 degree weather in the middle of January. We got to help with everything, picking the plot, digging the grave, filling in the grave, transporting him down from Salt Lake.... I think that helped us, having been able to just about everything possible for him for his entire life. It was a simple graveside service with remarks from Bishop Adair and Alphy dedicating the grave. Everyone but Jessalee was able to make it out from my immediate family.

After the graveside service, the boys then helped take down most of a tree from the front of Mom and Dad's house because it was starting to do funny things to the roof. (Picture below is from Amaryllis' camera.)

The following weekend, back in Orem, we held a memorial service for Hayden again, for Alphy's side of the family since none were able to travel down to Moccasin. I spoke, along with our bishop up here, Bishop Grover. People complimented me on me not crying. I don't think they realized how close I was to doing so.

I shared a bit about Hayden, how many small miracles happened during his short life. Such as, for a boy with no working lungs, he cried at birth and he started taking breaths on his own. He was on oxygen but it was only a tube near his face on continuous flow. It wasn't forcing his diaphragm to move. I also shared messages from Joseph Smith. Words he had shared about those who die. After the Resurrection, Alphy and I will be able to raise Hayden.

Two of the talks from this last October's General Conference struck me and I shared those portions that helped me the most. Both by Elders' Cook. Elder Carl B Cook of the Quorum of the Seventy, shared an experience from his first week as a General Authority. He was feeling overwhelmed with the calling. He got into an elevator to go home when President Monson joined him. President Monson talked to him for a bit, and then, before he left the elevator himself, told Elder Cook "It is better to look up," meaning, look to God for help.

Elder Quentin L Cook, one of the newest members of the Quorum of the Twelve, talked specifically about death, loss and trials and how the Atonement can help those of us left behind. Remembering that life has more to it than this time on earth can help us feel relieved of some of the unfairness of life here. Ultimately, through the Atonement, unfairness will be erased, wrongs will be righted and life will continue.

I'll share the text of my talk in another post.

It was good to see so many friends and family at both of these events. It was also good to see the support we were getting from people we didn't know very well but still were praying for us and wanting to be there for us.

A Lesson I've Learned

I have been thinking back on things and wondering why I am doing as well as I have been. Earlier, I would imagine myself reacting far differently than I have been. I would put myself where I knew I would be, in the hospital room, delivery, at home with the kids and think about what I would be dealing with and what I imagined my emotions would be. I thought I would have more mental and emotional breakdowns. I thought I would be more depressed. Instead, I have had times of extreme sadness, and times of frustration borne out of the inability to do things but nothing overwhelming.

Last night, I was thinking about an acquaintance who just discovered she had breast cancer and would require a double mastectomy and I found at least part of the answer. It lies with what I learned from a Relief Society Enrichment meeting back in Logan. One of the sisters presenting was a survivor of breast cancer. She shared her story. I am going to get some of the details wrong but the message still resonates with me.

She felt the same feelings of depression and anger that are common to cancer patients. She felt gross, ugly, and yucky after her surgeries and while on chemo/radiation. Somewhere in her process, she had a change of attitude. I can't remember if the impetus was a talk in church, a blessing from her husband or what, but one day she decided to go to her treatments and NOT sit there moping and sharing depressing cancer death stories and horror surgery stories like was common in the waiting rooms. The Atonement healed her, not from the cancer but from the anger and sadness of her situation.

Her attitude changed. She was willing to crack jokes. Sure some of it was gallows humor. Some of it was fake boob jokes. Others in the waiting room began to join in. At some point, someone had the idea to have a picnic in the waiting room. They were all there in the waiting room, feeling okay, but knowing that they would be puking things up and feeling miserable for the next 3-4 days. So those cancer patients decided to enjoy the last decent meal before feeling lousy. And they did this before every appointment. As time went on, other cancer patients from other waiting rooms began to come down the hall and join their fun. Because it made them feel better.

She realized that while her bad or down attitude might not kill her and her good attitude might not save her, her good attitude certainly made a hard situation much more bearable. That is what the Atonement did for her. She still had her depressing and yucky days. She still had her anger and helplessness to deal with, but it was much easier because she allowed Jesus Christ to take some of the burden and make it bearable. And that is what I know eased the burden for us.